The Crackhead of New Orleans

   Here is where I tell the story that now seems pointless to tell, but in the heat of the moment was of utmost importance because it made me realize (again) where my weaknesses lie.

    I suppose I should start with something that happened back in New Orleans, the catalyst that opened my eyes to all the dark and dirty parts of the city that seemed so enchanting in the beginning....but it's not the city's fault or even the people because, in the end, it all comes down to how we choose to perceive a thing. A.J. and I were walking up Toulouse St. looking for a cool spot to finally get down to the business of enjoying ourselves when we were stopped by a crackhead. I'm not being presumptuous here. This guy had shit in his hair and crust around his mouth and told us up front that he was indeed a crackhead and just wanted a dollar. All I had were $20s so I looked at A.J. and she rummaged through her purse and pulled out a buck.

     

   "Ahhh...thank you. You's like an angel. You is bee-U-T-full. I'm just a crackhead but if I had a million...no...if I had a thousand dollars I'd pay 300 for you, cuz you is gorgeous." 

   The crackhead's eyes looked AJ up and down but had lingered the longest on her tits. It occurred to me that he was talking about buying her or at least parts of her. That fucking her would be worth $300 to him and that this, in crackhead terms, was something like a compliment. 

   

    I got the feeling that this was one of those loaded, backhanded sort of statements, as if he were maybe bitter about his life and liked the idea of shamelessly suggesting to a woman's face how much he would pay for her. The whole thing made me feel really uneasy and I put my right hand behind my back and under my shirt which is where I hide my imaginary gun. 

   I'm fairly sure no one noticed this shift in my demeanor, especially not him because he then turned to me with a look that was a mixture of pity and disapproval and said, "You....you's plump. But I guess I'd pay $200 for you s'long as you came with her."

     Some part of me died a little in that moment. If I'd had a real gun I would've used it. I like to think I'd just shoot him in the foot...or in the ass as he ran away at the sight of it, but I don't know....in my darkest moments I think people are a waste of natural resources anyhow, but then to have the audacity to go around thinking it's ok to put a price tag on a stranger or anyone for that matter, makes me question that person's right to breathe. 

     

    I know that our society, as a whole, is guilty of this same mentality, but it doesn't make it right.

   

    So instead I did the only thing I could think to do. I puffed up and said, "Give me that fucking dollar, bitch!" 

   I snatched it out of his hand and gave it back to AJ. Her and I walked down the street a bit and went into a store that wouldn't let him in because he was following us. As we stood in the store and pretended to be interested in some garish Mardi Gras masks my anger turned against me as it so often does. I felt ugly and worthless as my physical state was somehow despicable enough to provoke something like pity in a crackhead. 

    I was going to cry and I didn't want to stand next to AJ anymore. I knew it wasn't her fault but no one notices me when she's not around. When I'm alone I'm invisible, even covered in tattoos I can blend in to a crowd. I'm unassuming. Like vapor or fog. But she shines. She casts no shadow to hide in and spectators gather like moths to the flame. They compare us without any knowledge of our character and she becomes all the brighter for standing next to me because I am an utter toad lounging in the soft glow of her sinewy petals. So I walked away fast and I left her there. I bit my lip and wiped away tears that no one noticed because I wasn't standing next to her anymore. 

     

    I was invisible again and found a dark bar and drank absinthe and wrote in my journal some crap about the beauty of invisibility... 

"I'm see-through, crystal clear and unencumbered by the weight of anyone's interest. How is it that more people aren't impressed by my ability to disappear?"

    Later that night I got back to the room and discovered AJ had befriended these two boys who were all fucked up on GHB. They had weed they'd offered to share in exchange for a chance to sit with her. So I took a bath. Well it was like a shower bath...where you sit in the bathtub and let yourself get rained on while the water fills up. It occurred to me here that all this pain came from the ego.

   

    Beyond the illusion of this physical realm in a karmic matrix made up of pure energy, that crackhead was my test and my teacher. He showed me how fragile the ego was...or at least the one that I've created. Some part of me grasps the divinity of my nature as it is a part of the divinity of all nature and it revealed to me how fragile it too could be if I came to hate myself so easily because of the thoughtless words of a stranger. I have to learn to cherish my weaknesses as they make me worthy of my strength.

      

   That being said...this thing tends to happen to me. Again and again, I've allowed the thoughtless and often unintentional words of others to wound my perception of myself. I just went through this. 

     

     I should know better, but as it turns out, what the big(divine) me knows, the little(human) me forgets very easily.  

    The little me comforts itself by saying things like, "Well it just wouldn't be fair to everyone else if you were gorgeous, seeing as how you're already brilliant, talented and exceptional at everything you do. Plus none of your friends would want to stand next to you for fear of being compared." 

    But that's just how little me gets by. Little me comes up with lists of reasons why the rest of the world is missing out on my awesomeness because they are all stupid and/or blind. But big me knows that any aspect of my kingdom that I do not assume rulership of, I leave to the whims of outside forces. While it is perfectly ok to leave some things to others, my self-worth is the stronghold of my kingdom and in order for me to grow I must maintain it.

    So this unabashed bout of self-pity lasts for about a half hour before transmuting into a tingling sort of euphoria as I embrace the bittersweet privilege of getting to experience all the pain and glory of this world through these eyes. I'm growing up and my kingdom is plentiful and though I may be constantly confronted with my earthly, physical limitations the experience lends itself to a greater understanding.

   

Then I picked up the Tao of Pooh and began to read where I'd left off....and this is what it said:

     "A saying from the area of Chinese medicine would be appropriate to mention here:

                                  

                                One disease, long life; no disease, short life.

    In other words those who know what’s wrong with them and take care of themselves accordingly will tend to live a lot longer than those who consider themselves perfectly healthy and neglect their weaknesses. So in that sense at least, a weakness of some sort can do you a big favor, if you acknowledge that it's there. The same goes for one's limitations, whether Tiggers know it or not--and Tiggers usually don't. That's the trouble with Tiggers, you know: they can do everything. Very unhealthy.

      Once you face and understand your limitations you can work with them, instead of having them work against you and get in your way, which is what they do when you ignore them, whether you realize it or not. And then you will find that, in many cases your limitations can be your strengths.

     For example, when Owl's house fell down, who was able to escape, even though there was a heavy branch across the door and the only way out was through the letter-slot?

                       Piglet, the very small animal."

    Technically I could've kept this whole story to myself as it does not reveal me in the kindest light and in telling it I risk changing your perception of my ability to accept whatever you have to say. I've often found that revealing weaknesses leads others to censor themselves out of fear of hitting a nerve and that when people become closely involved in each other’s lives they begin to compromise parts of themselves slowly as they learn where the nerves of others lie...and this goes on and on until two people who once felt they could share anything with one another begin to share nothing but space. 

    Someone you thought you knew starts to become only what they think you can handle. I am sensitive and there are times when I don't know the best way to react to a situation. I may not always be quick enough to be completely honest on the spot which makes me unwittingly deceptive at times, but I am methodically truthful overall so I will tell you how I feel once I've worked it out. 

                       My purpose for telling this story is not to preach or invoke sympathy. 

    My true intention was to express my opinion that there are many diverse forms of beauty, not all of which are physical. I tend to appreciate people for their flaws, but I've come to understand that this is a rare personal trait and if everyone felt the same as me then there would be no common standard of beauty and how, on God's green earth, would advertisers market underwear? Each department store mannequin would have to be an individually sculpted work of art...and that's just too much effort.

But in the grander scheme of things, it is important to our spiritual and ethical evolution as a society (and possibly even to our survival as a species) that we begin to understand, embrace, and work in harmony with our own limitations.

  ... perhaps that is the moral of this story.