Infatuation...a condition to be transcended.
Excerpt from a letter on the state of infatuation....
For a synastry chart you need the date, time and place of birth for both parties. Honestly, I don't know how much help these charts are in the greater scheme of things. No matter how beautiful or prevalent the potential for two people to create a uniquely fulfilling harmony is...it still won't stop them from denying it or walking away because of their own insecurity or the fear of the change in oneself that the other person stimulates....or for any variety of other circumstantial reasons.
I'm kind of going through a thing too...been thinking a lot today of why it is that I can feel so connected with every living thing in the universe...and share this feeling so freely but when it comes to intimacy...I feel completely isolated. I'm strangely reminded of how alone and needing of affection I am. I don't like needing. I'm not OK with it. Perhaps its that I've never found anyone who was OK with me needing them...but I think more than that there's a specific way that I go about needing that freaks people the fuck out...and that is alienating. I think there may be a biological excuse for it. I mean there's no excuse for the way I am but I think perhaps part of the reason that monks and various spiritual clergy abstain from sexual relations is that these experiences tend to initiate a longing that is not congruent with spiritual ascendance....because physiologically, the parts of the brain that control these separate states...cancel each other out. This longing thing is genetically imprinted in our DNA to increase the chances of passing on our traits to future generations...but it has to be harnessed as it threatens to consume our ability to reason objectively.
See, if I objectively nerd it out enough I can fool myself into feeling like I have some semblance of control or at least understanding of the situation. I feel less helpless.
There's this other thing that happens when I get to this point and it's essentially that I realize I suddenly have something very important to lose. That creates pressure and anxiety. I over think every action both mine and theirs. I know this is wrong...and I do it anyways. He and I were talking about family dynamics a while back and I remember saying something to him about how children all start out seeing their parents as something close to gods and at some point they are inevitably awakened to the fact that their parents are human. They fall from grace and I think the way your parents fall in your personal experience may have everything to do with how you go on to relate to others later in life.
I also think we do this same thing with our potential partners. We make gods of them in the beginning. At some point during the period of initial infatuation this person becomes superhuman...someone to impress at all costs. It's unnatural is what is it is...and unfair to both parties. No one can live up to the expectations of the initial infatuation...you can only hope that you enjoy each others company enough afterwards to stick around.
The pressure of infatuation is, for me, so ridiculously uncomfortable that I rebel...with every fiber of my being. I act out of character like a psychopath in the hopes that this other person will either accept anything I can possibly throw at them or will just get fed up and dip out, leaving me to rebuild from the ashes of my most recent bout of self-destruction. Don't get me wrong...I don't want them to go away...but would be strangely relieved if they did and this is why I tend to become unnecessarily provocative....and not in the sexy way...but in the, "I'm gonna try to crawl up in your brain and just dig through all your secret hidden treasures until you feel so violated that you can't fucking stand me" way. It's no wonder I'm perpetually single.
I watched this thing on the division of the brain:
http://youtu.be/dFs9WO2B8uI
And I believe perhaps part of the issue is that I impose a left hemisphere type of focus on the poor soul that's won my affection. Does anyone have any idea of how to fix this? Some exercise that I can do before I crash and burn again?
I'm currently attempting to compile a list of techniques and strategies that will combat the symptoms of infatuation...If I manage to accomplish this, I believe the world will someday thank me for it.
For a synastry chart you need the date, time and place of birth for both parties. Honestly, I don't know how much help these charts are in the greater scheme of things. No matter how beautiful or prevalent the potential for two people to create a uniquely fulfilling harmony is...it still won't stop them from denying it or walking away because of their own insecurity or the fear of the change in oneself that the other person stimulates....or for any variety of other circumstantial reasons.
I'm kind of going through a thing too...been thinking a lot today of why it is that I can feel so connected with every living thing in the universe...and share this feeling so freely but when it comes to intimacy...I feel completely isolated. I'm strangely reminded of how alone and needing of affection I am. I don't like needing. I'm not OK with it. Perhaps its that I've never found anyone who was OK with me needing them...but I think more than that there's a specific way that I go about needing that freaks people the fuck out...and that is alienating. I think there may be a biological excuse for it. I mean there's no excuse for the way I am but I think perhaps part of the reason that monks and various spiritual clergy abstain from sexual relations is that these experiences tend to initiate a longing that is not congruent with spiritual ascendance....because physiologically, the parts of the brain that control these separate states...cancel each other out. This longing thing is genetically imprinted in our DNA to increase the chances of passing on our traits to future generations...but it has to be harnessed as it threatens to consume our ability to reason objectively.
See, if I objectively nerd it out enough I can fool myself into feeling like I have some semblance of control or at least understanding of the situation. I feel less helpless.
There's this other thing that happens when I get to this point and it's essentially that I realize I suddenly have something very important to lose. That creates pressure and anxiety. I over think every action both mine and theirs. I know this is wrong...and I do it anyways. He and I were talking about family dynamics a while back and I remember saying something to him about how children all start out seeing their parents as something close to gods and at some point they are inevitably awakened to the fact that their parents are human. They fall from grace and I think the way your parents fall in your personal experience may have everything to do with how you go on to relate to others later in life.
I also think we do this same thing with our potential partners. We make gods of them in the beginning. At some point during the period of initial infatuation this person becomes superhuman...someone to impress at all costs. It's unnatural is what is it is...and unfair to both parties. No one can live up to the expectations of the initial infatuation...you can only hope that you enjoy each others company enough afterwards to stick around.
The pressure of infatuation is, for me, so ridiculously uncomfortable that I rebel...with every fiber of my being. I act out of character like a psychopath in the hopes that this other person will either accept anything I can possibly throw at them or will just get fed up and dip out, leaving me to rebuild from the ashes of my most recent bout of self-destruction. Don't get me wrong...I don't want them to go away...but would be strangely relieved if they did and this is why I tend to become unnecessarily provocative....and not in the sexy way...but in the, "I'm gonna try to crawl up in your brain and just dig through all your secret hidden treasures until you feel so violated that you can't fucking stand me" way. It's no wonder I'm perpetually single.
I watched this thing on the division of the brain:
http://youtu.be/dFs9WO2B8uI
And I believe perhaps part of the issue is that I impose a left hemisphere type of focus on the poor soul that's won my affection. Does anyone have any idea of how to fix this? Some exercise that I can do before I crash and burn again?
I'm currently attempting to compile a list of techniques and strategies that will combat the symptoms of infatuation...If I manage to accomplish this, I believe the world will someday thank me for it.
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